Congratulation Seksualiti Merdeka!

Upon the publication of their first article in local nationwide newspaper, The Star, I am ecstatic on the progress of homosexuality activist in Malaysia. Congratulation!

Love Compatible Signs

Astrology has intrigued me since I was young. Over many years of reading and applying it to my friends, I managed to understand the power of astrology. Personally, I do not adhere to the day-to-day astrological studies but more of the general one’s character personification.

I had promised few of my friends to do a simple chart on astrology. Finally, I managed to do it. Voilá! The charts;

Ars = Aries, Tau = Taurus, Gem = Gemini, Can = Cancer, Vir = Virgo, Lib = Libra, Sco = Scorpion, Sag = Sagittarius, Cap = Capricorn, Aqu = Aquarius, Pie = Pieces

Please note that if both of them are of the same star sign, then the relationship could be the best or the worst compatibility. This because one could accepts the mirror image of oneself or detest it altogether.

Rt = Rat, O = Ox, T = Tiger, Rb = Rabbit, Dn = Dragon, S = Snake, H = Horse, G = Goat, M = Monkey, Ro = Rooster, Dg = Dog, P = Pig

Rate yourself in the Month of Ramadhan

We welcome back the month of Ramadhan. Muslims all over the world are geared up to fast for whole month. But what about the gay Muslims? Let see if you fall in which category;

Totally Devout
• No eating or drinking from dawn to dusk
• Abstain from sex the whole month
• Solat Terawih at night

Moderately Devout
• No eating or drinking from dawn to dusk
• Sex at night time
• Solat Terawih at night

Questionably Devout
• No eating or drinking from dawn to dusk
• Sex at night time but cruises the toilets in day time to give hand job to others
• Maybe solat Terawih at night

Non Devout
• Do not fast at all
• Sex any time of the day
• Never solat at all

Weekend in Kuala Lumpur

Bangkok maybe the Mecca for gay holiday destination in South East Asia but Kuala Lumpur does have its own to offer. This was enlightened to me by my Phillipino friend who has been residing in Singapore. He told me that he was bored with Singapore and needed a quick get-away trip. Kuala Lumpur was his choice as it is not too far away and does offer him want he seeks. His itinerary was;

Thursday afternoon: Arriving KL & Massage at Sempurna Avenue
Thursday evening: Cruising at Tasik Permaisuri
Friday Morning: Gym at California Fitness, Midvalley
Friday Afternoon: Sauna at Chakran
Friday Evening: Clubbing at La Queen
Saturday Morning: Hangover
Saturday Afternoon: Sauna at Otot-Otot
Saturday Night: Clubbing at Market Place
Sunday Morning: Departure

Of course I do know all these places but never in my wildest dream that Kuala Lumpur can be a pink money holiday destination.

The Wedding

I just back got from my friend’s wedding. It was a moving experience for me. I nearly cried at the akad nikah ceremony (wedding vows). The reason why was I was so moved by it was because he is the first of my closes gay friend that has committed to the holy matrimony. Congratulation boy!

As for me, I am not able to commit myself to the holy matrimony. I am a practicing Muslim with a twist. I enjoy living as gay man but believe in Allah, ar-Rahmeen, the Merciful. I pray to Him 5 times a day, fast in the holy month of Ramadhan, pay my zakat and had even performed my hajj. It was during my hajj that I 'confronted’ Him.

I was doing my sunnat tawaf going around the Kaabah. I was so close to the Kaabah that I was able to touch the wall. Right then I saw a young man carrying his child on his shoulder. With millions of pilgrimages, the father managed to balance his son on him and weaved himself closed to the wall of the Kaabah. I was behind him and was able to see his face, the face of contentment and pride of being able to bring his son close to the wall of Kaabah. You could actually see the glow in his face. Instantly, I shed tears seeing them. I realised that is something that I will never experience from being gay, the joy of being a father.

It was because of that incident I 'confronted’ Him at the door of Kaabah. I told Him that I did not choose being gay and I don’t blame Him, al-Khaalek, for me being gay. But he is al-Aleiym, the All Knowing, that my love for Him is undivided. I prayed to Him to show me a woman who I am sexually attracted to and only then I will marry her and will leave my homosexual practice. I will not marry a woman if I could not provide for her sexually. It would be living in a lie!

On being honest

"Always speak the truth, even if it is bitter." (Baihaqi)

The word honest comes from the Latin word which means honourable. In my dictionary it is defined as "free from fraud and deception, genuine, real, humble, plain, reputable, respectable, frank, innocent, simple." And these are all things that Muslim homosexuals are asked not to be by the Muslim community that insists we be dishonest about our sexuality.

The Buddha, talking to his son Rahula in a famous Buddhist text known as the Ambalatthika Rahulovada Sutta, says: "Therefore, Rahula, you should train thus: 'I shall not utter a falsehood even in jest'".

In commenting on this encounter between the Buddha and his son, translator Nyanamoli says, "If one wishes to train in Dhamma (Buddhism), which is the way of truth and straightforwardness, then it is no good to have a deceiving mind and worse to speak words which may deceive others."

In Toward Understanding Islam, Abul A'la Mawdudi says, "Islam has strictly forbidden the telling of a lie in any shape or form, for lies sully the liar, harm other people and become a source of menace to society."

Muslim homosexuals are confronted with a paradox: we are told, on the one hand, that honesty and truthfulness are the only proper course of action for any Muslim. We are told that lies become a "source of menace to society". But on the other hand, we are told that such honesty and truthfulness about our homosexuality is not necessary, that, in fact, the Muslim world does not want to know the truth about our homosexuality. Those of us who do try to speak about it are accused of "advertising" our personal "sin" and we are held in twice the contempt.
Still, I was taught from a young age that truth was preferable to dishonesty, that telling the truth was always to be preferred to telling a lie. I see no good reason to change that policy now simply because some people are uncomfortable with truth.

Honesty is so central to authentic spirituality that no dishonest person could ever hope to carry on a relationship with the Ultimate Truth Itself while living in a state of continuous dishonesty. The two are mutually exclusive. How could I get down on my knees before Allah everyday during prayer and then go out into the world and lead a life of deceit and dishonesty, which is exactly what I have to do when I pretend that I am not a homosexual? Who am I fooling? Allah? Certainly not.

Is there a need for my honesty about homosexuality?

You might argue rather convincingly that such things are best left unsaid, that it's a personal matter between me and my God, that I should keep quiet about it out of respect for the sensibilities of others.

Such a course of action, however, is really a denial of who and what I am, and yet one more form of condemnation. It is a message that says my homosexuality is so shameful and disgraceful that not speaking about it is the best course of action, that silence is the only appropriate response.
How can my needs be met when I am not even free to say what they are?

It's a bit of a spiritual cruelty to demand that homosexuals be dishonest, to praise honesty in others but condemn homosexuals for it. Why should anyone be so shamed of what they are that they would even consider trying to cover it up and pretend to be something different? A homosexual, after all, is not a Nazi war criminal, or a child molester, or a mass murderer. Why should he be so shamed, and so ashamed, that a life of deception seems the only possible course?


In Teach Yourself Islam, we are presented with a list of human rights, as expressed in the Qur'an and hadith, which include the right to equality, the right to freedom, the right to freedom of opinion, the right to political freedom, the right to remove oneself from trouble and oppression, the right to justice, the right to protect one's honour, the right to marriage, privacy and security of private life, the right to dignity, and not to be abused or ridiculed.

I wonder if the author, when compiling this list, meant to include or exclude homosexuals. Do I, a Muslim homosexual, have the right to "dignity, and not to be abused or ridiculed"? Do I have the right to remove myself from "trouble and oppression"?

Or are these rights the exclusive property of heterosexuals?

I ask because the Muslim world itself needs to be honest about homosexuality. Do we, Muslim homosexuals, have the right to "freedom of opinion" on the matter of homosexuality - or not? Does being homosexual mean that our rights and privileges as Muslims are null and void, that we are fair game, that we can be killed wherever you find us - or not?

By speaking the truth in these matters we can reach some conclusions, perhaps even go forward.
In speaking the truth, I can reveal who I am, and what I am, and what my needs are, and what my hopes and dreams are. The Muslim world can begin to see that what I, and other Muslim homosexuals, want is to be accepted and understood and part of the community. We want to attend Friday Prayers at our local mosques - we don't want to stay home out of fear or shame or indifference. We want to live our lives according to the Qur'an and the teachings of the Prophet - we don't want to be left to fend for ourselves in the spiritual wilderness. We want the ability to get married and carry on committed loving, lifetime relationships in the full view of the community - we don't want to be trivialized and marginalized and forced to find fleeting solace in discos and Western-style bars.

The need homosexuals have to be dishonest carries a heavy price tag. We spend an enormous amount of time and energy maintaining a double life. Our feelings become split: in some situations, we are free to be ourselves; in others, we must put on our "straight" face and pretend to be heterosexual.

We complicate our lives needlessly. Parents continually ask when we will "get married" - we long to tell them the truth and put such questions to rest, but know we cannot. So we must devise excuses, or arguments, or deceptions to throw them off the trial or disinterest them.
On and on it goes. We are continually pretending to be something we are not, trying to remember "who knows" and "who doesn't" and who it's safe to talk to and who it's not safe to talk to, constantly juggling the truth and the lie depending on the situation and the place. One's entire life begins to revolve around the "dirty secret".

It goes deeper.

In being dishonest, we are tacitly agreeing that our homosexuality should indeed be condemned, that there is indeed something wrong with us. We pick that up quite naturally from our surroundings and unless that notion is examined carefully and revealed to be what it is, we often find ourselves in agreement with it.

To live one's life with the knowledge or belief that we are unworthy, that we should be condemned, that there is something wrong with us, creates any number of emotions from sadness and shame to fear and rage, and can result in depression, suicide, despair, hopelessness, spiritual conflict and turmoil. Many a soul, in such a state, abandons Islam because it is unable to bear up under the weight of the condemnation.

Because these feelings are never shared with loved ones, with parents, they fester within and cause all sorts of damage.

Fear is what keeps us in silence.

Peter Gomes relates the story of author Bette Greene as she was making preparations for her novel The Drowning of Stephen Jones, based upon the true story of a young gay man who was thrown from a bridge to his death by a group of young gay-bashers. She interviewed more than 400 young men in jail for various forms of gay bashing. "Few of the men, she noted, showed any remorse for their crimes. Few saw anything morally wrong with their crimes, and more than a few of them told her that they were justified in their opinions and in their actions by the religious traditions from which they came."

As indeed they are, which all homosexuals know. Whenever I pass by a group of young men, I know they might just be passing the time of day, but I also know they might be waiting for someone like me.

But it's not just the fear of physical violence, it's also the fear of emotional and psychological violence. Despite my age, I am still unable to approach an imam and discuss my homosexuality with him. I am completely terrified of just the thought of it, much less the actual doing of it. I know that it will result in shame for me, perhaps shunning, or pity, or expulsion from the community.

What of the young man or woman just entering adulthood? How do they, in the turmoil of adolescence, dare approach an imam, or their parents, or even their friends with such a "dirty secret"?

The truth will set you free.

There have been hardly more marvellous or wonderful words written than those: the truth will set you free.

One of the most revolutionary thinkers of our century, J. Krishnamurti, learned the truth of those words in his own life. From childhood onwards, he had been groomed by a mystical religious group to be a prophet, a messiah, and when the moment of his "unveiling" came he stunned his supporters by turning away from them and following his own path. He knew that he was nothing more than a man and that no matter how enticing it might have been, he could not portray himself as anything other than that.

It was a huge risk, but it was the right choice, and his fame only increased with age until he was well known all over the world in every intellectual and social circle there was.
"If there is a cornerstone to Krishnamurti's teachings, it is that one was really the master of one's life, one's destiny. That stemmed from the fact that he considered the key to living the ability to look at facts as they are; not to indulge in self-pity, not to look for causes, not to blame others. It is from this conviction that honesty and facing facts - and that no one can help you face facts - comes the idea that one must be, as he put it, a lamp unto oneself and not rely on anything. There is no refuge, neither in God nor in other human beings. Man is not the refuge for man. One is one's own refuge; one's own teacher and one's own disciple. That gives one both courage and a certain independence and no self-pity. He always thought that self-pity was the door to hell..""

Being a "lamp unto oneself" is straight out of the teachings of the Lord Buddha, or course, as is self-reliance, facing facts, and being wrenchingly honest.

It is this facing facts and honesty that we need in the debate on homosexuality. As a Muslim homosexual, I need to be honest about who I am; I need to address my concerns to the Muslim community; I need to be heard, and understood; I need compassionate, pragmatic guidance; I need the Muslim world to face facts, to deal in facts, to shift through the hysteria and hype and begin to understand that I have no choice but to be what and who I am.

For its part, the Muslim world needs to be clear about its own position, and it needs to be aware of the consequences it carries in the lives of people like me. Policies of hatred and discrimination are directed at Muslim sons and daughters, at friends, at relatives, at co-workers. These policies reduce the quality of life and happiness of all those involved. They weaken the community. They weaken, and sometimes destroy, families, relationships, and friendships. Islam needs to be clear about whether it finds this acceptable, or if perhaps the Muslim world could do better.
Krishnamurti says, "When we remove the division between the 'me' and the 'you', the 'we' and the 'they', what happens? Only then and not before, can one perhaps use the word 'love'. And love is that most extraordinary thing that takes place when there is no 'me' with its circle or wall."

(By Sulayman X)

His-story

I have known myself as being gay since I could remember. Even though I had had a period in my life where I wanted to find out if I could convert to become straight or at least bisexual but that period was long gone. What a relief! However, I do love stories about how ‘straight’ men fully embraced the vibrant life of homosexual. These are what I called the His-story. Throughout their adolescence life and even into their adult life they had known to be heterosexual and living the heterosexual life but with only one incident (probably by one blow job by some dude at some public toilet) converted him totally to become homosexual. After years’ worth of collections, I have selected these two stories which, I think are worth telling.

An officer of PDRM who is thirty something and married was sent to a course at a hotel. He was sharing room with his superior but of different division from the same branch. This superior has been nice to him before and our officer was happy to share the room with him.

On the second night, after a long day on the course, the officer was complaining that he was having a stiff neck. The superior offered him a neck rub but the officer declined because he thought that it was inappropriate to trouble a higher ranking officer.

On the third day, our officer’s stiff neck had gotten worst and he could not move his neck properly. The superior notice it and told him that he has some ointment to reduce the neck pain. He instructed our officer to lie face down. Our officer was only in his sarong and was topless then. With the superior sitting on his back rubbing his neck, our officer felt that the superior was slow getting an erection. Our officer did not want to offend his superior and said nothing but by this time the superior was already working downwards to his arse. Our officer wanted to decline but somehow he enjoyed what the superior was doing. The superior undid our officer’s sarong and the rest after that was his-story.

The other story is about a boy whose marriage was arranged. Both of the parents subsequently introduced their child to one another. The boy took an instant liking with the gal and more importantly he got along with the gal’s family. Every time before he took her out for a date, he spent a fair time chatting with her father. Her father and the boy got along famously.

After 3 months into the marriage, wifefy and his mother-in-law had to visit one of their relative in another village which, the travelling time itself took four hours. He and his father-in-law were left alone at home watching a football game. They had cans of beer and packs of tit-bits ready for the game. It was not even half time when the father-in-law was getting overly physical with him. The boy was by then too pissed that he just let his father-in-law to do so and one thing led to another ... violá another book of his-story was written. This repeated over a few more occasions before the boy felt guilty and divorced wifey. He then left for the city to become a true blue gay boy.

These two tops all the stories that I have collected on the subject because I think they are just two most unlikely stories you hear; a matured police officer who was seduced by his older superior and an arranged marriage because the father-in-law fancied him sexually. But of course, whatever his-story they have, we gay men welcome them with open legs.